Cambodia, Cambodia.

Some of you may already know that for my Global Learning Term, I will be living, serving and learning in Cambodia for six months. From January 15 to June 15, 2008, a province called Pursat will be my home.

It's often strange to conceptualize the reality of this. No matter how much I stand stunned and amazed- wobbly knees and all - I have a feeling that the experiences of these past years will be a guide to me while I am there. And in this year, particularly, I have gone through and overcome events of loss. I believe it is important to experience pain and heartbreak and God knows I have had my share throughout all of my adolescence. I ask myself a lot what it means to not have what you want or to lose it. Who is to blame for the gap?

But is it really painful emptiness, unforgiving and desperate, or rather, a mark of strength to be steadfast in patience and timing? I've been coming into a season of giving over more and more of myself to the counsel of the Spirit. Months were spent guarded by my own anger and fear. Angry that something ended and fearful to ever allow any one person to make me that vulnerable again. To turn over these emotions and decide that they do not reflect my true character or the person I am being shaped to be has been really hard but really good.

I've been reading this book for my General Epistles class called The Openness of God in which various authors write correlating chapters on presenting this view of God. This theology portrays God as a God who always remains true and unchanging to his greater intents of blessing but can change and often has as he reacts to how humans interact with him and each other. That is how he remains open to us and the history of this world. So when does God act and when does he react?

I've been considering perhaps that God really does allow for a tremendous amount of freedom for us to choose our lives. That is the dynamic he created. Looking back on this last relationship, I can say that we chose each other. For me, I followed an emotion, made a choice and then tried my best to look to God for blessing. And in the choice to separate (which I grow in accepting the mutuality of), as human love proved its frailty, God showed his faithfulness. "Love ME. Trust ME." Simple words, small words yet the same words that have been trying to reach me for so long now. In a conversation I had with a friend a couple of months back, he reminded me of how gentle God is with us.

This is what I will take with me to Cambodia. My growth, my trust, my faithfulness.