Fears.

After months of experiencing the abstract, the days are now leading up to something more real. I've been working on my learning contracts and thinking a lot about the fears, anxieties and goals I have for my time in Cam. This entry will talk about some insecurities I have and another post will talk about some of my dreams.

1. Cats. Andrew, my internship coordinator, has shared that there are all these stray cats and dogs in Pursat. Stray animals are pretty common in many parts of the world so I wasn't surprised to hear that but this is soon going to be a reality I will have to confront. And honestly, what is there to figure out? While I am in Cambodia, perhaps even in the beginning days, I will be getting over my fear of cats. I can hardly conceptualize how difficult this may or may not be for me. I remember being inside a Petco recently and observing the small display of orphaned cats ready for adoption. They were caged and behind a locked window and yet, seeing about a dozen cats at once spooked me just the same. I still get nervous when I see the kittens inside my complex.

2. Communication. I'm concerned about what communication will look like. I've mapped out the first month strictly for language learning. But what about conflict management? Or even the lack of? I can be a challenging person for some people because I often have a tendency to voice my opinions. My honesty is also sometimes misinterpreted as a complaint or disdain for something. Where do you draw the line when it comes to cultural sensitivity? How much of yourself do you forsake or discredit? I imagine it will be a case-by-case sort of judgment.

3. Privacy. I have funks, just like everyone else. I'm also really independent. Will I find the solitude I need?

4. Health/Hygiene. I'm not so much concerned about contracting a disease but the very standard problems I deal with here everyday. Digestion. Or more accurately, indigestion. I also have sensitive skin. I could get a rash from just about anything. There are a lot of mosquitoes and while I'll have a net, bug spray and long sleeves and pants, any small bite has often led to huge and painful swelling. And what about my face? Will my pores become totally trashed by the changes in climate and air quality?

5. Fitting In. I'm worried that being a young Chinese-American, fair-skinned female will constantly force a spotlight on me. How will these very specific characteristics be received? What would it mean to have so much attention on yourself? How will I cope with standing out? Will they think I'm fat and scoff at my American body like they do in China?

Even as more questions continue to formulate, I know they will all play themselves out and with grace, be answered along the way. I'm about three weeks away from my departure date and I still can't believe how much my life is going to change.