"A new work in me."

When you're in a place like I am, it is a constant struggle to surrender certain things.

Like when your host mother scolds you about the dirty underwear you left soaking in the bathroom. Or all the children sitting in a circle laughing at you for mispronouncing a consonant. Or when the locals seem clueless as to why your body is covered in scabs from the countless mosquito bites. Or when they mock you for the lice you got from their own people.

In these moments, you are challenged to surrender your pride and your insecurities. It's embarrassing, you know? But do you let the emotions of embarrassment become you or do you decide to be stronger than that?

But then there are the moments that counter such challenges. When students and teachers daily call you "beautiful girl" or "smart" for all the Khmer you can speak. Yet, every time, though I secretly enjoy hearing these compliments, I shake my head and refute them because I do not really believe they are being sincere. Part of me asks inside, "How could they possible really think I'm pretty when I know that they think I'm also fat?" I hate being insecure. Lately, I have had to ask myself a lot why I care so much about what people think of me. Why are the opinions of others so important to me? As if I could actually control what anyone thinks.

I hate being called fat and I hate it when people laugh at me. Yet here, this happens as often as I receive compliments. How exhausting and unstable for your ego to be constantly inflating and deflating. I feel as if I am still only beginning to learn the expectations of humility and risk when you start out in a new place. I have not yet found my way to a place where I can simply say, "So what?" and walk away.

Everyday that I am in Cambodia means that I have to learn to accept my differences. And in doing so, learn to love myself. I often want to believe that I am capable of it but more often that not, my mind is attacked with doubts and lies.

I read these words recently, "a new work in me". A prayer. All the questions that I have laid out in this post are questions that will stay with me for a while. If I keep running from these questions, as I have for much of my life, I will fall to pieces here.