Jet lag and lattes.

I have been back in California for three days and life here is strangely normal and well, just strange. Re-entry shock.

After sleeping away my first day, I proceeded to remain awake for over 30 hours, only to finally sleep during regular hours for the first time on Saturday night. I am still afraid to eat much and because of that, I have somehow developed what I believe to be a temporary adversity towards food in general. I think that is also a symptom of jet lag. I can only eat small portions otherwise, most things tend to repulse me.

I did allow myself to have a beautiful cup of latte made by the best barista I know. The first of many small treats to come, I'm sure.

The shock of re-entry comes with many things. Having now lived in Southeast Asia (if only for the brief stint of a few months), coming back to the suburbs of the San Gabriel Valley has caused for sporadic outbursts of, "Everything is so clean!" It's true. But I am both marveled and bewildered by this cleanliness.

Perhaps the most complexing but obvious aspect of returning home is the standard question of, "How was it?" The motivations and implications of this question vary with each person that asks it. There may be genuine interest in knowing and the anxiety to hear a rich answer is so strong that it is much easier to simply jump right in and get down to the nitty-gritty. Or, the person doesn't quite know how to relate to the world you were in and feels some sort of social propriety to ask but is expecting as brief of an answer as was their question.

I am uncertain as to whether or not people really want to know. For the already numerous times I have been asked this question, I am always immediately filled with mixed emotions. Should I tell them that a part of me wishes I hadn't come back? Or that I was deeply loved and hurt by this culture that I tried to become a part of? Should I speak of the most beautiful and most horrific things I witnessed but that neither words nor photographs could ever fully convey? How do I tell them that my theology of God appears to be seemingly more unorthodox and bigger than I had previously held to?

While such reactions are usually calmed by grace and understanding for the person who asks, I am practicing a way to answer that can be honest yet, varied in the level of depth and detail, based on time and space. Frustration is a negative and consuming emotion, and I am already consumed by much greater and much more important things. So rather than isolating myself or refusing to be in social situations, I take the question as it is. And for me, it is a shallow and meaningless question. Yes, that is a critical assessment to make but it is not personal, for there is not enough depth in such a question for me to take offense.

Maybe the next time you see me and you are interesting in speaking to me in person about Cam, I dare you to ask me something other than, "How was it?"

Without any employment in the foreseeable future (writing papers is first priority), and temporary residence back with my parents, adapting to the in-betweenness of life is going to be challenging. So even though a part of my spirit remains in the fields of Cambodia, the fact is, I am back in California again. I am back. I am back.

At some point, I think I might actually believe it.