Yeah, I'm asking myself that too.
My self-esteem has certainly taken a humble beating as I've been on the job search these past few weeks. I have already surrendered the fact that I have to work just for the sake of earning money, which I kind of despise on a moral level. But in realizing my limited professional skills and certifications, the world is certainly not at my finger tips. I hate the hours I spend on the internet looking at endless job postings, looking at which ones I could actually qualify for or new tasks that I imagine myself capable of becoming skilled in. I hate all the resumes and applications I fill out only to be rejected or ignored. I wish I could just write my papers and take myself back to Cambodia through my writing. But I have to work. And I'm not just bitching about it, I've actually been trying. Really trying.
Here is a tally of all the places I have tried to sell myself to.
Corporate:
- 8
Receptionist:
- 5
Barista:
- 2
Teacher/Tutor:
- 3
Nanny:
- 2
20 places! I have a few places pending, and some leads that I am calling tomorrow. I have called, emailed, interviewed. The more time that passes, the more desperate I become; willing to move to far corners of the earth (Portland, Phoenix, the San Fernando Valley) or consider applying to hell incarnate in places like Walmart or McDonald's. Yeah, me with my almost-B.A. needing to work for evil conglomerates for shit wages.
Excuse my exhaustion and pessimism right now. Everyday, I apply to a handful of places. Everyday, I turn on the internet thinking something will happen. But with every new application, I feel myself more incompetent, unqualified and generally stupid. Then I become really unfair, even if for a fleeting moment, resenting the people working in the places I have applied to. I think to myself, "How come this ghetto person with their high school diploma that they barely got, able to get a job here and I can't?" Like I said, it's not fair to be that mean.
So, we search on. I think what I would despise more is if I were to quit, become idle and truly depressed. To stop trying seems more like failure.
Another interview awaits me on Wednesday. There is light! Small, uncertain, far away (oh, Long Beach... why are all the Khmer there?), but nontheless. I just refuse to believe that I suck. I don't want that to be true. :/
23 June 2008
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2 comments:
the hunt is a painful process. I will be praying that God takes you to a place you will both benefit and learn from...
love you sister
It is a painful process. I was doing that for a few years before I got a bite! So I know what you mean :P Since mine was entertainment related, I think you would at least have a better chance in finding a job sooner than I would.
Thinking of you for your long beach interview.
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