On rotation.

It's incredible how much time I can spend mixing and matching colors for this blog, as if I can really ever stick with one palette that seems more "me", somehow. I like this for now, though, and that's really all I can say.

Since I started counseling, I've had to share with another soul how much I crave having definitions and boundaries. And keeping people at a distance within those careful, neurotically-defined bounds. I also inflict the same principle upon myself. I want to have myself figured out so I can always be confident about what I am presenting to others. But what about the idea that maybe it isn't so important to be this neatly packaged good that I am trying to sell? Everything is a commodity in this culture, with its own rubric for quality and its own dates of expiration. All to say that nothing lasts because new products will keep pushing themselves to the forefront. Why compromise our integrity to try and live by those standards?

I've always known that I don't fit into any boxes. Frankly, I am too antsy to ever stay in one place for too long. The frustration, however, is in the fact that I've always wanted stability. Consistency, perhaps. To regularly wear the same palette, develop a routine, become reliable. Yet that's not the person I am right now. My tastes and likes change all the time. I have a hard time trying to narrow myself to a few things; a choice list of adjectives and characteristics. So, I'm not going to try to and do that anymore. "Be myself." Whatever that means, right?

There is a sort of expected but unfamiliar freedom that comes whenever you let go of things. Both literally and fundamentally.