Displacement.

I just spent the past minute staring at the weather forecast for Azusa, CA. High of 61, low of 40. I also read some news about Los Angeles. I have not done either things since I have been in Cambodia until today. I sit here as the sun sets in this precious town, light-headed with a runny nose, and I revisit the mixed emotions I feel about the world I am now in and the one I have temporarily left. There is a sense of displacement because I do not know where to put my life in California, the feelings, the relationships. It might be easy for some people to be able to focus only on their current environment. For me, my heart has always been stretched across states and oceans.

So you know, I never stop missing you guys. And rather than having a longing to return home to be with you, what I feel stronger is for you to be here with me. Because the truth is, I do want to be in Cambodia right now. I continue to grow for what I feel for this place. As this second week progresses, I am making prepartions to move into a homestay (more on that at later time). I like the people here. I like the volunteers. Though, on both accounts, I feel somewhat hesistant to open myself up to anybody. I still come out in different ways. My humor is the same, my affinity for certain tastes remain, I have kept my ears stretched out. Wendy in Cambodia is similar to Wendy in California. Only, she doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but does smell of deet 24/7.

Everyone here is helping me to get over my fear of cats though. No one understands my fear and honestly, neither do I. There are a lot more diseased mengy looking dogs around, the females all have these disgusting saggy nipples. They are everywhere. And yet, I remained unaffected by them. But then, when there is one or two cats around, I still freak out. The anxiety is at a minimum but if they get too close to me, I will scream. And the fact that two of my homestay options both have cats (plural!), makes me very uncomfortable. Why am I so afraid? Believe it or not, I actually held a kitten the other night. A first! Maybe you guys can pray for me. At this point, the spiritual needs to win over the psychological.

I realized I started this entry with a heavy heart (though that remains) and I ended up writing about the musings of life here. I do feel alone sometimes. I am always around people - really great people. But you are only here with me through my words and me with your words. I try to look at photos on Facebook but it is hard sometimes. I have not even made an effort to buy a cell phone or go on Skype, or even AIM for that matter. I know my parents really want to call me but at this point, it may still be too difficult for me to hear their voices.

So who knows where these emotions will take me. No where for today, that is what I do know.