Learning Khmer.

Learning a new language means the start of communication. Yet, you immediately become like an infant again. Susceptible to making mistakes at every turn, vulnerable to the teaching and guidance of those above you, surrounded by sounds that you have never heard before.

I have finally found a qualified female teacher and the lessons have begun. There are a few words that I cannot, for the life of me, pronounce. It is extremely frustrating to repeat exactly what you hear only to be told, repeatedly, that you are saying it wrong. And then, after 20 minutes of exhausting yourself in trying to say this one word, you lose both momentum and motivation to continue on.

It is even more embarassing when you are surrounded by an entire group of people trying to teach you this one word, only to eventually get slapped. Jokingly, I'm sure. So far, the two words are "glad" and "first". If I wrongly raise or lower the tone on the word first then I ended up saying something like "I'm going to beat you up". The words "fuck" and "help" are also similar. So yes, if said wrong, you could be asking someone to fuck you instead of help you.

During my first lesson, I noticed how upset I started to get because I couldn't pronounce "glad". I wanted to lash out at my teacher and tell her that her English isn't that great either. But I recognized my anger and didn't project. I do not laugh at anyone here when they are speaking poor English or Chinese. Sometimes I want to whine and cry and demand the same patience. I wish people here could understand that so many sounds in their language are sounds I have never made in my life. But why should they show me sympathy? They can harldly understand why anyone would leave the comforts of America to come here at all.

I have to learn that while I am like this infant here in this new culture, I cannot always be so emotional or defensive. I have to learn to set aside my emotions when I learn Khmer, otherwise, I will not be able to press on and actually learn words I will use more often.

The thing with being the foreigner in a new culture is that so many things about your identity suddenly become irrelevant. It doesn't matter that I used to be a custodian or a dishwasher back in Azusa. Here, I don't know what is the custom for cleaning. I am not perceived as an able-body person. It doesn't matter that I can easily speak English and two dialects of Chinese. Here, I don't know Khmer. And what I cannot do here, that is what makes me different.

Nonetheless, I know that I have to keep going.

I have a friend here who practices meditation and his presence and conversations help me stay a little bit more calm. When I get nervous, I feel the tensions in my body and I try to let go of them. I tried this today on a cat that kept coming near me at a restaurant. I could feel my leg muscles begin to cramp up but then I concentrated on being relaxed and it was a little bit more bearable. As soon as I recognize a negative emotion, I have to work on stepping back from it.

Again, as I have said before, I have to work hard to be here. Most of the time, I think it's worth it. The lessons, experiences, relationships, sights... the small pieces of growth I see... being able to smile at someone else, they make it all worthwhile.

On a last tangent, there is a wedding coming up with one of the staff and volunteers. She's Khmer and he's Slovenian. Everyone is getting dressed up and out here, it's like prom. I, on the other hand, having already been to two Cambodian weddings, have no desire to get all decked out. I don't like the dresses and I don't like how the make-up is done. I just want to show up in a t-shirt and jeans. I'm not going to fully feel comfortable in trying to assimilate in this way, so why even bother? For some reason, fashion is the one thing I don't like to compromise. No one out here has my body type so I'd have to get something custom made. Sure, it sounds fancy. But I've never cared for this kind of Asian stuff. I have to feel comfortable with my body and dressing up is not necessary for me. And I don't even really know either of them. Alright, I'm going to stop justifying it.

Time to return to the house.