Wrestling.

For a few years now, Sundays have always been the most important part of each week for me. It is on this Sunday that I can find rest, justify atonement and find redemption before the next week starts. And I don't even mean this in the sense that I feel re-saved every Sunday that I go to church. What I mean is, Sundays are the days I can refocus, take the whole day to mentally, spiritually, physically and academically catch up on the stuff I've put off the days before, and to also prepare for the tasks and anticipations for the days to come. So, it's no wonder that on Sundays, I am usually more quiet, serious, reflective. Maybe it's unorthodox for me to say that I'd like to claim Sundays as belonging to me. Maybe it's doctrinally unsound to say that perhaps everyday should belong to God and that there is no one in particular that has to stand out just because that's Biblical tradition. Maybe I'm just saying all this because a part of me still rebels against doing anything just because I've been taught is what I am supposed to do. But even if I were to focus only on myself, inevitably, eventually, I am always led back to the seeking of God. We're bound together.

I've been frustrated with myself and my internal struggles. I feel like I am constantly in different places. I've been wrestling with the questions of intimacy, vulnerability; the building of new relationships. One of the challenges of GLT, for me, has been trying to figure out how to reconcile the start and usual end of relationships that exist within time constraints. I am only here for a very specific period of time, is it a good idea to invest in people here if I am to never see them again? Do I have that to give? The other thing that has been bothering me is becoming more and more aware of my inability to trust. I interact with Cambodian people everyday but there is not really one I would trust. How can I continue to engage with my host culture and expect them to teach me if I don't trust them?

There's also been some weird dreams lately. Dreams about returning home and having interactions with familiar faces but unfamiliar lives. And experiencing constant shock and devastation because I have been pulled out of Asia, begrudgingly, but only after the fact. What do I do with so many different emotions? Sit with them. Wrestle with them. Feel them.