I've had a lot of really nice experiences since being back. All of which I feel grateful for. But nothing has thrilled me or made me feel exceptionally alive. Nothing yet has filled my heart with absolute joy. It has been 11 days since I left Cambodia and I know I am still mourning the loss of no longer being there. But Cam is always with me. The ache I feel, the way my heart weighs on me and the tears that come forth when I am removed from the chaos of noise and motion, the scars all over my legs, every conversation that I am in, feeling the sun on my darkened skin, all the writing of papers and counseling sessions I will do, the frustrations and tensions of American culture; everything will remind of me where I was and where I am now.
What I am trying to do now is take care of myself, my body and spirit. That is how I can find grace, as I learn again in a familiar but estranged place, how to love myself. I want to be quiet a lot and be with my wealth of books, for in words and in silence is where I meet God. I got a jump rope from a friend and I have excellent running shoes that I have rarely used. I have plans and goals for exercise, changes in diet, the search for natural beauty in this concrete jungle. I think because I still feel the shock and trauma of having been removed from a culture I had become so attached to (even while the decision was voluntary), I really want to be good to myself now that I am back. And yes, the reality hits me everyday.
Life here is complicated. I cannot give an answer in defense for whether there is really a need or truth for such complexity. I can only answer for the fact that I know it is.
This is how I feel sometimes:
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