Thank you, old blogs.

The only thing I've ever deleted on the internet was my old myspace account. I can't even remember when I did this, only that I had stopped going on it for months at a time and figured that was a good enough reason to be rid of it.

Then tonight... I was lurking on livejournal of people I used to read and all of a sudden remembered my LJ from 2006. Entries about going to Hawaii to visit Cooper (who I don't talk to anymore), about LA Term (a lifetime ago) and the boys that occupied my time then. Adam, Christian, Brody... And then I found my LJ from 2007. So, I've spent the night reading back on everything. Usually, when I do this to myself, I get really embarrassed. But for some reason, I feel good. My entries made me want to cry and laugh again. 2007 was about being rocked by classes, figuring out if I was going to Southeast Asia or Africa, my relationship with Mike - the good, the bad, the confusing, the wonderful....

I think sometimes a way to make sense of the present is to go back to the past. When you have journals to read, you get to look at the documentation of your life. And if you're like me, you get restless staying in one blog for too long so you go carve out another corner for yourself in the internet world. (And then at some point, there are too many to keep track of and they get lost in that part of your brain that stores all the "forgotten" memories. That is, until one random night the memory pushes itself to the forefront.) But with keeping journals, you get to see the patterns. You can say how much you've changed since then or realize, what's remained. The patterns, the habits, the same problems and same words you're still using now. Of course, you may also discover the things you've missed about yourself.

A lot of my problems seem to be the same. A lot of entries from the past 3 years have been filled with complaints about school and my procrastination. Photos of narcissism as I try to find myself and seek to be seen through my vanity. Many entries about love and boys. Oh, the boys. "There's always somebody." That was a frequent line I would use.

I think what has changed is a refinement in tastes. With each step, each year and each new person, I'm figuring out what I want. What fits, what's good for me and what's definitely not good for me. And healthier ways to deal with the problems. 2008 brought me to another country. It gave me a lot of perspective. I've already spent some time reflecting on this year on my post about honesty, so I'm not going to recap again here. But in lining up these years next to each other, I do believe 2008 has helped me grow up more. I am older. I'm making peace with things. I'm more brave than I ever was. And maybe there's a good reason why the lessons I'm learning are the same as they were then. Because I'm not done.