Since moving out of the homestay, I've rented a room at a local guesthouse. It's called the "Happy Lyly" and is actually a sex hotel. Most of the volunteers occupy the rooms now so only three of them are one-hour sex rooms. When it's booty time, which may happen at any hour of the day or night, you can see men pull up in their motos or vehicles (some of which are quite swanky for Cam standards), and with their lady friend in tow, go into their rooms of dirty shame with their faces covered. I like to be rude and stare at them. A lot of times, you can also see used condoms and wrappers littered on the ground outside.
Living alone has always been something I've thought about doing. With it comes some obvious freedoms - never having to worry about sharing space, the ability to be naked at any time and only having myself to take care of. The room comes with full amenities - cable TV (even the occasional Veronica Mars will be on!), air conditioning, mini-fridge, bathtub and shower - so it has been fairly easy to seek refuge and solitude from the blazing heat during the hottest month of the year.
I really appreciate the luxury I have to live at one of the most expensive places in town ($60/month rent, plus utilities at $0.50/kw), yet at the same time, there are lessons to be learned too. In living alone, having to be with myself means that I am exposed to the truths of my nature without any of the inhibitions or courteous behaviors I would normally exhibit when I live with other people.
As if I really needed reminder (or perhaps I do), I've learned that I can be horribly lazy. If I don't have anything to do, it is very likely that I will sleep for hours and hours. One of the habits I also brought from home is having to turn on the TV the moment I wake up in the morning and also to set it to Sleep (30 minutes) as I go to bed. I think I like having the TV on as much as possible because it creates the illusion of having company. As much as I like the freedom, I think I really prefer to live in community and I miss having roommates. Having to share space, deal with conflict and issues in communication are all completely worth being able to live in fellowship.
Even regardless of the fact that I pay so much for rent (more than most people would ever be able to afford), I am occasionally reminded of the fact that I still live in rural Cambodia when we don't have power and it's the middle of the hot afternoon, my lightbulb is broken and they keep putting it off to fix it so I have to use a flashlight at night, I can't get any water from the shower, the rain pours through the window and seeps through the door or that cows are making a lot of noise because they're rummaging through the trees outside of my room. I suppose the most annoying thing is not being able to shower. In those moments, though it happens more often than I would like, I remember where I am and that I will never be able to fully mirror the comforts of life at home. It's damn close but not a true replication and really, it shouldn't be so.
I have had a lot of time to think about many things lately. I have long conversations with the others about the conflict or tension we feel about being here, what to do with our relationships at home, how our emotional and mental energy sometimes get split between two places (host vs. home culture), issues about differing conceptions of gender here in Asia or occasionally talking about the foods we miss - mac 'n cheese, sour cream, etc. I have found an interesting community here - we spend everyday together, we have most meals together, we come from different worlds yet are together for only such a short amount of time. I value them because of the many different worldviews and perspective each person brings. It has been especially encouraging for me when we have conversations about Khmer culture, observations or quips about each of our own language learning experiences.
Also, I want to point out that I've now officially been in Cambodia for 3 months. How weird is that? My return ticket is scheduled for June 12, only 1 month and 23 days from now. That hardly seems real. Yet, I've already made a list of the things I most forward to experiencing upon returning. I feel weird about that.
I talked to my parents recently and I have the option of coming home at the end of May, about two weeks earlier than planned. I really don't know how I feel about being presented with that option... There are advantages - I can have more time to relax and settle back because the days immediately following June 12 are really busy; I can save on rent because I will be undoubtedly broke soon; I'll buy myself more time to look for a job, etc... But, I still haven't gone to Siem Reap/Angkor Wat and I want to spend more weekends exploring Pursat and Cambodia. My heart remains unsettled about what I want yet I have to make the decision soon. I suppose I will spend the rest of the day thinking about it and get back to my parents tomorrow.
What a long update! It has been a while since I've written but the longer that I wait to blog, the more hesitant I become because the task seems loftier with each day that passes. Yet, continual process is something I value so alas, I return to the one place where I can be most honest and egocentric.
Hope you guys are well!
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