Literal and fundamental freedom.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be free. Free in the most pure sense of the word. There are different checklists to this freedom. There is freedom from familial obligations, whether caused by guilt, love, sympathy, etc. Then there is financial freedom, from mortgages, credit cards, student loans. And freedom from social constructs defined by numbers - weight, income, age, number of things that you own, etc.

Having started out in this country, growing up here and having an education here, means that I will have to pay if I want to be free. If you choose to life live here, adbiding to these certain systems of education, income taxes, health insurance, bills for communication, then you have to pay for them. To what I owe my parents, I know many of my future paychecks will go to them, in debt and in gift. For this seemingly obscure but beautiful major that I chose, for the private university education, I will spend the next few years paying off loans. If I want to be free, I cannot do so until I am financially free.

This is why I think I have developed such an abhorrance towards driving. It's not the skill itself that I am avoiding, it is really what comes with this privilege: the gasoline (let's not even get into the economics and politics), the purchase and maintenance of the vehicle, and the monthly payments for auto insurance. Credit is also another bullshit thing I don't really care for. What is the spiritual meaning of building credit and paying off that credit or paying taxes for working and then paying more taxes for buying the stuff you worked to pay for in the first place? They are all just more paper, plastic and metal to tell me that I am not free.

I am starting to see that my ultimate goal is to be free to live and be my fullest self in any place in this world. I suppose I could run away and abandon everything that I have just been so critical about in this blog. After Cambodia, I know I can go anywhere, learn the language and find purpose and love there. But if I leave, in the current financial, familial and academic state that I am in right now, I will always know that my freedom was not truly free because it would be tainted by the fact that I abandoned the responsibilities that have led me to my current path. And perhaps it is the crux of having a conscience that I need ethical freedom as well.

So these are some thoughts that have been dominating my time. I believe that in order to have the freedom, in the truest sense of the word, to do what I love, I will have to play this game for a little while longer. A few years, at the very least. This isn't about anarchy, the sounding off of a wannabe liberal/hippie or even a real critique on state affairs. I just want the freedom to love and learn and be.