More practices in honesty.

One of the things that always kills me a little is when I am friends with a guy I am attracted to and don't tell him. Which is why I almost always end up telling them.

So, tonight, in yet another practice in honesty and bettering my communication, I pushed my own boundaries. I told a friend whom I have feelings of attraction for, that I felt that way, but I am not looking for anything besides friendship.

This guy was lust at first sight. I quickly became disappointed when I found out he was a freshman. And I was already in my fourth year. But 18 / 21, not that big of a deal right? Well, despite the constant attraction I felt towards him, I've gotten to know him better and have come to truly value him as a friend. But a friend whom I can only see every so often because if we were in a different context, I would probably want to pursue something. Even if the context was different, what I want to pursue is not what is right for me.

It's a weird thing to be so aware of your own physical desires yet know that they do not actually correlate with your deeper desires. So in a sense, yes, I do like him. But that "like" varies all the time, depending on my mood, if and when I see him (which in itself is sporadic).

I know that it's his looks that distract me. It's shallow. But the shallow is powerful because I am a visual person. Physical attraction clouds my judgment. Makes me believe in things that don't really exist. Such as, "He's really pretty. We could totally make it work!" Not exactly the basis for starting a relationship is it? And if you know that he doesn't even reciprocate any of these feelings, that only confirms that the prospect of dating is non-existent.

I don't really want "prettiness" to be the basis for anything, do I?

Well, yes, maybe I do.

The problem here is probably the same problem I've had for years. It's not just the fact that guys I find hot are my weakness. What I really want is to be wanted. I want my ego to be fed. I've bought into this social ideology that being pretty is all it takes to be happy. Or, in some sad way, that maybe my prettiness is all I have to offer anyone. I know this isn't really true but the lies and insecurities pervade my thoughts. So I guess if a guy doesn't want to ask me out on the basis of my prettiness, then something must be wrong with me?

And then I think... but I am pretty and I'm awesome, where are my suitors?

I know life is more complicated than that.

This is why I think it is important to tell people how you feel. I've been working on this for a few months now, and you can believe that I have a list (a mental one, at least) of the people I need to be more honest with. Even if it's uncomfortable, painful, embarrassing or will cause major changes in the dynamics or sustainability of the friendship.

I am picky but I am also incredibly impatient. I want things that I know I'm not ready for. As I get older, the picture of the person I want to be with becomes clearer. Yet, it is still an otherwise, blurry picture. It's blurry because I'm not supposed to know yet. But my impatience and unwillingness to remain faithful takes over and I end up diverting my focus onto certain people.

I think things like, "Oh, you're really hot. And, I like your taste in music. So our theologies and worldviews are no where near the same. But you're just the right height and you're confident in yourself. That's good enough for me to fantasize about our future together. It's okay that I don't really trust you. Let's date and hold hands!"

Seriously. This is what goes through my mind. I do this all the time. Because I'm lonely too. I want a partner too. And clearly, I do not love myself as much as I think I do because these thoughts tell me that I'm willing to compromise or settle.

Regardless of how many hot guys have passed through my life, regardless of however they feel about me, none have ever been that one person for me. None of them work out because well, duh, they were never supposed to! So, then what? You keep on keeping on? You try to be even more careful about the guys you spend time with? You stop compromising your sense of self in order to be noticed? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Slowly, but surely, these are some of my goals. This is why this year feels like the year that I take myself seriously, and that I love and embrace exactly where I am in life. Sans hot guy. I've never been intentional about being single. I just thought subversion to social pressure was a good enough defense mechanism to hide the truth of how much I really wish I did have a boyfriend. At the end of the day, though, I really just want to be rid of these false truths that I tell myself, that prey on my insecurities.

I know I just spent this entire blog detailing the accounts of yet another melodramatic episode of my love life, or rather, lack thereof. Like I said earlier, cute guys are a serious weakness of mine. But it's kind of like that phrase about cutting out the cancer. Did I just try to equate cute guys to a disease? Hmm, I guess so.

As I continue in this commitment of singleness, there will be illumination. And I know I will experience greater freedom to love myself and to love others without agenda.