Passive.

One thing I can always promise on a blog is my honesty. It is one way I am able to practice being who I want to be.

I have been going to counseling for the past two months. I had no idea that it was going to be one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. There are dynamics in this sort of relationship I have never experienced before because I can be completely honest about my expectations and have the freedom to share what I am feeling or thinking. The relationship is defined by boundaries, the same Tuesday 11:00am appointments give it consistency and it's this one thing I don't have to share with anybody else.

Of our various sessions, one thing she has helped me to recognize is the passive behavior I have taken in how I engage myself in social situations. Perhaps it developed out of a need to recover or be protected from being hurt. Rather than initiating with people and opening myself to new relationships, I took a step back and became more passive. I have certainly responded when others would reach out but I have not been really interested in taking charge or being bold - like I always have. Sure, there are small moments where my passion for life is clear enough and I will act but overall, I know how I've been lacking. Yet in the midst of my passivity, it is because of the conscious and independent decision I made to seek counseling that has helped me.

Life is changing. For one thing, I purchased a camera today on Amazon. If you don't know, photography is a huge part of who I am and yet I had put it away for so long.

In small ways, I am making choices to be engaging with my strengths, surroundings and friendships. I'm not used to waiting around for things to happen. If I'm passionate about something or someone, I move in that direction. I've made a lot of choices in which I've been accomodating to the interests and plans of others. And sometimes, it is fine to do things you didn't really intend to be part of nor even preferred to do. But I want to move away from that now and be more aware of the opportunities to act on the motivations of my own passions.

I suppose I've been finding my ground again.